Last month my fiancée Katherine mentioned our engagement to her logic professor, and she replied “you’re a real optimist if you think that will work out.” Is she right; are we naive optimists?
Marriage in today’s world seems crazy, let alone marrying young. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and many of the marriages that stay together are unhappy. I understand why the world thinks it is insane to get married, but my fiancee’s professor is wrong; we have every reason to expect our marriage will last.
Couples who avoid cohabitation before marriage (as all Christians should) have a drastically lower divorce rate. For society at large delaying marriage lowers the divorce rate, but among Christians getting married sooner results in the lowest divorce rate in the country. Additionally, couples who marry young report higher levels of satisfaction throughout their marriages, as well as significantly better sex lives. Religious young couples top the charts in both categories. As far as the data goes, Katherine and I have every reason to be optimistic about our marriage.
Why do Christian young couples buck all the trends? Readers of this paper will not be surprised to hear that God’s plan for marriage works best, but why does it work? There are several reasons.
First, we can be confident we will grow together. When I discuss my marriage with atheists I’m usually asked “but what if she changes?” Of course she will change, if she remained the same person at 41 as she is at 21 our marriage could never survive. The reason I can rest easy knowing she will change is because Katherine and I share unbreakable values. Even though her mannerisms or hobbies may shift, I know Katherine and I will always seek the most important things in life. If she changes, I expect it will be from one degree of holiness to the next.
Second, Christians build cornerstone marriages rather than capstone mariages. By marrying young, Christians tell each other that their marriage is the fundamental cornerstone of their life that will provide the strength to overcome obstacles. Young married couples have always relied on each other for strength, and can’t imagine facing life without their spouse. Conversely, the world treats marriage like a capstone on a life already successful in other areas. While at first this seems to make the marriage more secure (especially financially), it creates the problem where the marriage has to weld together two fully formed lives. Both spouses spent the last decade building a life based fully around themselves, which probably involved few sacrifices and many partners. Therefore, each party to the marriage knows that they can get the benefits of marriage (sex) without being married, and that they don’t need their spouse to provide. Naturally this creates an attitude rife for divorce.
Third, Christian marriage isn’t about happiness or being in love; it’s about serving God. While I certainly hope my marriage will make me happy, and that I will always be in love with Katherine, neither of those two things are in human control. If marriage were based on feelings, then the marriage ends when the feelings fade. Rather, the love marriage is built on is to will the good of the other, of which we can always get control. The strongest binding agent in a Christian marriage is knowing it isn’t a contract, where the goal is personal gain, but a covenant where the goal is to give yourself away. Sacrifice is part of the vocation. This is why arranged marriages have such a low divorce rate, because there is never the illusion that the marriage was based on fading feelings. A Christian marriage is called to be the same way. God makes marriage because it forces us to live for something other than ourselves, which paradoxically will make us far happier than anything else.
Finally, the reason young marriage is possible for young Christians is because God makes it possible. In the Catholic Church marriage is one of the Sacraments, where God welds the spouses together for the purpose of raising Godly children. Marriage is nothing less than a vocation from God, and God gives the graces to carry it out. In the current world of terrible marriages, a healthy marriage can be seen for what it always was: a miracle from God. Ultimately, it is Him that I trust to make my marriage last.
Nick Letts is a former “radical atheist” who converted to Protestantism as a senior in High School, and then converted to Catholicism as a Junior in college. He studies philosophy in the Morrissey College, and loves nothing more than to curl up with a good book. He is engaged to his lovely fiancée Katherine Brown.
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