Agape, Philia, and I

I find sitting in Adoration peaceful, however, until this past January, I had never had that moment of clarity or a deep feeling of connection that some people have while sitting in Adoration. I was at a Catholic conference where Adoration was scheduled for two hours—way longer than I had ever spent in Adoration before. I was a bit weary because I was unsure of how I could keep my focus for two hours while being in a stadium setting with 17,000 other college students where Adoration was taking place. However, I was still excited by the opportunity to have such a long Adoration, even though I figured I wouldn’t have the revelation or feeling of connection that I had always hoped for.

Throughout the week of the conference leading up to Adoration, I heard many talks where I compared myself and my faith to others. I began to wonder if my faith was good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough for God’s love and forgiveness. I wrestled with this thought most of the week, knowing that God would not want me to compare my faith—He loves all of us equally, regardless of how much or how little we are seemingly able to offer to Him. I tried to convince myself of this fact, but the more I tried, the less at peace I felt.

Right before the time for Adoration came, I had just heard a talk by a priest who told the story of Peter by the sea with Jesus when they were talking about love. Jesus was asking Peter if he loved Him with agape love (selfless, unconditional love), and in response, Peter told Jesus he loved him with philia love (the type of love in a strong friendship). Once again, Jesus asked Peter the same question with the same response in return. Finally, Jesus asked Peter if he loved him with philia love, and Peter answered that he did love Jesus with philia love.

I began reflecting upon this passage in Adoration and began admiring how beautiful it was to see that Jesus was more than content with the type of love Peter had to offer Him. I think we all would like to be able to say with confidence that we love God with agape love. However, to our dismay, we are incapable of perfect love. We are humans who can strive for perfection and will fail, but God is right there with us soaking up every bit of imperfect love we have to offer.

My feeling of being unworthy melted away, and I realized that all I had to do was love Him how I know He should be loved the best I could, like Peter, and that He would be patiently waiting and accepting with open arms every little, human, bit of love I can offer.

I looked up at the rest of the stadium and the 17,000 other college students realizing that two hours had already passed. I felt at peace, and I knew God was holding me close. I also knew that I was truly doing my best to do the same and that God was eager to receive all the love I had to give.