I don’t know about you, but I have been feeling pretty unmotivated lately. I have little interest in my Zoom classes, “social” events with my family unit and two guests are not the same as seeing the entire senior class at MAs, and I miss Mass with music and hugging my friends during the sign of peace. Overall, the lack of in-person classes, club events, tailgates, and other typical BC things has been a huge adjustment. While I am incredibly grateful to be here, I have reached that point in the semester where I feel burnt out, and there is this unsatisfiable longing for the way things used to be.
With no end in sight, it is easy to feel hopeless and discouraged. I am graduating in five months, and I feel cheated by my last year and a half of college . My family, friends, and I are still healthy and safe, so perhaps my mindset is selfish because I still have so much to be grateful for. But between the pandemic, the last few months of election stress, and other tragedies that have made 2020 such a fraught year, there have been a lot of distractions. Every week I feel as if I am just going through the motions.
One afternoon last week, my spiritual director and I were taking a walk through Webster Woods (a beautiful spot a few minutes walk from Upper that I only discovered this year). I was explaining how I just felt so apathetic to everything, and I had no idea how to fix it. College for me is normally filled with high-highs and low-lows, and these are the moments where I feel God the most. Whether it be those wild nights when I am up laughing till 3 a.m. with friends and I am just so grateful to Him for blessing me with amazing relationships, or those weeks when I have three exams, two papers, two clinicals, and all I can do is cry out to God in desperation; these are the moments where God is most visible to me.
I am not used to the numbness that occurs when life gets monotonous and is full of constant stress and sadness. My spiritual director and I call this the “bleh.” The bleh we discussed comes from the idea that this pandemic is the new normal and that “fun times” now are so different compared to the fun we used to have. I see God in other people, and now that my circle is so small, I feel almost if God has disappeared in 2020.
When God fades from the center of my life, my frustration and lack of motivation grow. I knew I had to change something, but I was unsure how, since the world isn’t going back to normal anytime soon. On our walk, my spiritual director asked questions that helped me realize how to jumpstart my faith life and find the satisfaction I’ve been craving.
First of all, I was comparing every single experience of this year to last year, which obviously left me feeling disappointed. Or, I was comparing my pandemic experience to other people’s and thinking that every single person was having more fun than me.
Second of all, I was dwelling too much on things I cannot control. Whether it be other people’s bad moods that I take on as my own or the election results where all I can do is vote and wait and see what happens, worrying about these things rather than placing them in God’s hands only increases stress. I can do nothing, but He can do everything.
Third, I was seeking joy in things I used to find joy in. Since the pandemic, these things are different and no longer bring me this joy. Instead of acknowledging that things change, I continued to participate in them instead of letting it go and seeking new sources of joy.
So, what now? I’m trying to live each day with a little more gratitude, and I’ve been writing down things I am grateful for each day. I am thankful that I am on campus. I am thankful that I have friends who care about me. I am thankful that I have a healthy family back home that will squeeze me tight in a few weeks. I am trying to worry less about things I cannot control by spending more time in prayer and taking deep breaths when I start to spiral. When I find myself frustrated by things that used to bring me joy, I leave instead of trying to fix it. Instead, I am looking to find new ways to spend my time, whether it be reaching out to a friend I don’t know as well or going on more solo walks through the Webster Woods.
I wish I could say I have fixed all my problems and am living a happy, joyful life 24/7, but that is not reality. Although I still have days where I am sad and frustrated by this pandemic, and of course other things I cannot control, I’m trying. I’m trying to keep God at the center of my life, I’m trying to remain optimistic, and I’m trying to find motivation (which is still a work in progress). But I’m also trying to allow room for grace. This is a big thing the world is going through. If you are also feeling unmotivated and frustrated, it’s okay. Take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and try and find something that makes you happy. Maybe take a walk through the Webster Woods.
- God and the Recycling Bin - April 30, 2021
- Pushing Through the “Bleh” in the Webster Woods - November 26, 2020
- From Life Teen to 10:15 - October 1, 2020