One of the most convincing lies, or weeds, that the devil sows amongst the wheat is the promise of an inner life fulfilled apart from God. It is the pursuit of something that does not exist and can never exist. God is the ultimate source of fulfillment; consequently, there is no true or complete fulfillment that originates apart from Him.
I have seen it time and time again that in constantly diverting our attention from the present, the father of lies is most successful when directing our thoughts to events of not only the future, but also the past. It is the collision of all these thoughts that produces a tornado. It accrues more and more debris as it swirls with such force and agitation that the once calm blue sky is no longer visible. It is flooded by fog, a haze that seems never ending. The worries and anxieties are too much to handle for one little human being grappling for any stronghold to keep from being carried off in the violent winds.
We look to be entertained, our attention diverted and distracted from the present. The present is the gift given to us to find God, to understand who HE knows that we are. There is no other place to find our true identity but in God.
I don’t really know how I got here. A sophomore in Boston College persevering through the beautiful mess of growing and learning to understand my vocation not only on Earth, but also in Heaven. This time two years ago, the COVID shut downs were my saving grace.
It is safe to say that I was the lowest I had ever been. I felt abandoned, lonely, and like a burden. I didn’t know it then, but I was learning what it meant to be human, to be flawed, to be IMPERFECT. After nine years of creating a glimmering image of what I thought was perfection, I was confronted with the harsh reality that I was far from it and would likely never achieve it in this life.
I was obsessed with being able to do it on my own, to just push through until one day I couldn’t anymore. My perfect image: straight A’s, straightlaced, and self-sufficient, fell down around me to nothing more than rubble. I had spent so much time working to fulfill what I thought was perfect exteriorly that I no longer recognized what the goal of this life really was. I had checked the boxes of what modernity considers the rubric for perfect happiness: success, admiration, awards, position, and influence; but they meant nothing when I was sitting alone in the dark corner of my room sobbing simply because I didn’t understand the point anymore. What was it all for?
For about five months I struggled along with the angels at my side both in Heaven and on Earth to fend off the demons that sought to drag me into despair and hopelessness. I can say without a doubt that it was one of the most frightening times of my life. There were many moments when the load seemed to be too much to bear and I faltered, time and time again.
But I can say that I would not wish to be spared the fear and confusion of those moments. For it was through those moments that I have been given the greatest gift I have ever received. I learned to fall, jarring and rattling the inner recesses of my soul. I have learned to allow Christ to take my hand and help me to gather myself and rise again, and again, and again.
Those months of despair and hopelessness continue to teach me that it is through God’s grace that we are strengthened and made anew by allowing ourselves to be handed over. We can never truly understand the joy of fulfillment unless we know what true fulfillment is.
It is the gift that God gives to us through glorifying HIM that sustains us, that makes us more fully ourselves than anything else ever could. SO, I will tell you a secret: if you’re looking for yourself and you cannot be found, look for God instead. When you look in the mirror you will find that you appear to be more yourself than you ever were before.
Julia Danehy is a Sophomore in the William F. Connell School of Nursing a hop, skip, and a jump away from her home town of Fort Myers, FL. With the variety of her interests spanning about a million miles long, in her spare time she can be found exploring history, painting, spending time outdoors, whipping up some form of baked good, or reading anything to do with The Theology of the Body/philosophy in general.
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